From snarky frustrated-writer site McSweeneys… while some seem to have been created from a random put-down generator, others made me laugh right out loud:
What your Favorite Classic Rock Band says About You (Part One)<http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/24peck.html> as well as What your Favorite Classic Rock Band says About You (Part Two)<http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/17peck.html>
The Doors: You have been bitten by an animal while trying to get it stoned.
The Who: You own a Goldwing with a baby-changing station.
Ted Nugent: Your hair has at some point been caught in a ceiling fan, boat propeller, or lathe.
The Rolling Stones: You own three cars and no stereo.
Canned Heat: You own three stereos and no car.
The Beatles: You can do exactly 1.5 pull-ups.
Badfinger: You are a Beatle.
Deep Purple: Some part of a law named after a young girl applies to you.
Led Zeppelin: The first three things you smoked were banana peels, catnip, and poppies, in that order.
Jimi Hendrix: You are under 20 or over 65.
The Kinks: You have bad teeth and are good in bed.
The Guess Who: You have good teeth and are bad in bed.
Black Sabbath: Your greatest joy is painting unventilated rooms.
David Bowie: There is still, somewhere, a Dig Dug or Zaxxon machine with your high score on it.
Mott the Hoople: You are David Bowie.
The Moody Blues: You are a former volunteer at the Liberace museum, a serial killer, or both.
The Grateful Dead: Your stories about the seventies make your daughter's roommates at Tufts very uncomfortable.
T-Rex: No matter how much you clean, there will always be trace amounts of glitter on your stove and blender.
The Eagles: You can only reach orgasm while listening to talk radio.
Pink Floyd: Your garage is full of failed versions of your stereo/barbecue hybrid.
Thin Lizzy: You are often forced to change or cancel your plans due to "NO LOITERING" signs.
ZZ Top: Your favorite Hank Williams is Hank Williams, Jr.
Chicago: You are incapable of talking about Chicago without mentioning their horn section.
Quicksilver Messenger Service: You become sullen when people don't stick around while you fix their vacuum cleaners.
Crosby, Stills & Nash: You own an oversized hat.
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young: You own three or more oversized hats.
Jefferson Airplane: You make your living buying and selling oversized hats.
AC/DC: You only remove your socks to shower, and then only reluctantly.
Aerosmith: You know a store that still sells puffy Reeboks.
Van Halen: You have a Peeing Calvin bumper sticker on your Jeep.
Sammy Hagar: You have a Peeing Calvin bumper sticker on your Subaru Brat.
Bachman-Turner Overdrive: You have an actual urine stain on your Subaru Brat.
Uriah Heep: You are the cause of the urine stain.
Santana: You have had an hours-long conversation with someone before realizing it was just a pile of clothes.
Rainbow: You have worn sweatpants to a funeral.
Foreigner: You have a severely wrinkled Jane Fonda poster under your bed.
Styx: You have a severely wrinkled Foreigner poster under your bed.
Allman Brothers Band: You do not own a bong, but can quickly make one from a piece of fruit or an abandoned toilet.
Bad Company: You have sustained several alcohol-related injuries involving sheetrock.
Cream: You know a guy who knows a guy who worked on Star Wars.
Journey: You own those running shoes that are shaped like feet.
Lynyrd Skynyrd: You somehow have both long hair and a sunburned scalp.
Yes: Your ideal partner would be into both tantric sex and fat guys.
Creedence Clearwater Revival: You are frequently missing part of an eyebrow.
Rush: You carry a small flashlight everywhere, and use it at least three times a day.
Blue Cheer: You have a subset of friends whose sole purpose is to hold your hair while you vomit.
Boston: Your best friend really likes Blue Cheer.
Steely Dan: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of Remembrance of Things Past.
Fleetwood Mac: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of The Hobbit.
Blue Oyster Cult: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of Type 2 Diabetes for Dummies.
Mountain: You have snorted cocaine off a Blue Oyster Cult record.
Nazareth: You have snorted cocaine off a member of Mountain.
Hawkwind: You sell cocaine to Nazareth fans.
Molly Hatchet: You sell baking soda to Hawkwind fans and tell them it's cocaine.
Jethro Tull: You have a favorite rune.
Kiss: You have partied on a boat in a driveway.
Queen: You have injured several people by jogging into them.
The Byrds: There is a thin layer of sand on the bottom shelf of your fridge.
Bob Dylan: You have the Swiss army knife that comes with a map reader and tweezers.
Electric Light Orchestra: You have three lava lamp bases and five tops.
Mike Oldfield: You have five lava lamp bases and three tops.
The Beach Boys: You won't live anywhere without a built-in microwave.
The Band: You have misspelled your name while carving it into a picnic table.
Genesis: You know what a steeplechase is.
The Zombies: You know what French cuffs are.
The Doobie Brothers: You have swallowed exactly two spiders—one accidentally, one on purpose.
Warren Zevon: You have a jacket with elbow patches.
.38 Special: You have a tattoo of an animal driving a vehicle.
Bob Seger: You lost your virginity in a Chevette with a spoiler.
The Georgia Satellites: You lost your virginity in a Chevette that was being towed.
REO Speedwagon: You have a favorite brand of lip balm.
Bay City Rollers: Your shower has flower-shaped traction pads.
Bruce Springsteen: Your ringtone is either "Takin' Care of Business" or "Chariots of Fire."
UFO: You have burned yourself while urinating on a campfire.
Slade: You have smoked speed through a TV antenna.
Procol Harum: You have smoked hash through an antique rifle.
Heart: You have smoked chamomile tea through a hookah.
Alice Cooper: You have a photo of your dog wearing sunglasses on your phone.
Foghat: You swim in man-made lakes exclusively.
Stevie Ray Vaughan: You have a bolo tie in the shape of a gun, guitar, or state.
Stealer's Wheel: You own an adding machine.
Traffic: You have several incense scars.
Emerson, Lake and Palmer: You have several self-inflicted incense scars.
Jackson Browne: Your favorite cola is RC Cola.
Hall and Oates: You have successfully fought someone off with a ski.
Blind Faith: You constantly misuse the word "penultimate."
Billy Squier: Your vanity plates say ROKRMOM.
Neil Young: You know at least three stores that sell bidis.
America: You think America is Neil Young.
Joni Mitchell: You have accidentally eaten more than half of a scented candle.
Montrose: You have used a bandana as a coffee filter.
Steppenwolf: You have three or more cigarette burns in hard-to-reach places.
Golden Earring: You have three or more intentional cigarillo burns.
Jimmy Buffett: You have used AAA as a cab.
Brownsville Station: You have tried to use AAA without a car.
Meat Loaf: You have a mustard stain on your mousepad.
Joe Walsh: You have fired a gun while in your underwear.
Don Henley: You have been shot at while in your underwear.
Bread: You have a cordless phone with an extendable antenna.
Donovan: You have a non-mammal pet with a human name, e.g. an iguana named Phillip.
Joe Jackson: You are an excellent speller.
Steve Miller Band: You have not yet figured out how to turn off the hourly beep on your digital watch.
Grand Funk Railroad: You have become stuck trying to retrieve a quarter from behind a stove.
Blood, Sweat & Tears: You have become stuck trying to retrieve your friend who likes Grand Funk Railroad from behind a stove.
Little River Band: You have used a riding lawnmower to flee across state lines.
Big Brother and the Holding Company: Your coffee table is a big wooden spool.
Alabama: You are from Alabama.
Kansas: Your first kiss was with a Toto fan.
Toto: You don't really remember your first kiss.
MC5: You have barbecued a whole chicken at 3 am.
Ozzy Osbourne: You have barbecued a frozen pizza at 3 am.
Dio: You have accidentally dropped a flashlight into a barbecue.
King Crimson: You have spent an entire afternoon watching a screensaver.
Eric Clapton: You yell when you play table tennis.
Marshall Tucker Band: You wear black socks with white shoes.
Little Feat: You have hit a baby with a frisbee.
Buffalo Springfield: You have broken a reinforced window with a frisbee.
Blackfoot: You have stolen a wine cooler from the back of a pickup truck.
New Riders of the Purple Sage: You have been bitten by a Blackfoot fan while trying to get your wine cooler back.